soul

believing in miracles and magic is so hard to do anymore. You stop believing in santa claus then you stop believing in anything else. I think I am one of those souls that just was not suppose to be here. I am afraid to kill myself because I don't want to disappoint three people. But I am so disappointed in everything else. I am tortured. Mentally. By myself. I am only here to serve time. This is my prison. I picture me and you in striped outfits holding hands trying to escape constantly with smoking our weed and drinking. We escape only for a little while only to get put right back in to the room we hate so much. The guards catch us and laugh and laugh, then they tell us we are only going to stay here much longer this time. The time will be served no matter what. Look at the clock then look away and then look back. I look at you and you start to cry. We are getting old. We only hold onto each other because we feel something great when we are together.

We feel it. I feel it through you. I feel it and you feel it through me. We lay there and know how the minutes are slipping slowly yet quickly soon we will be together closer, much closer. Smoke some more, get more drunk. Take a pill, watch me laugh. Watch them laugh. I feel so much. I am scared. It feels like 8 years ago. It feels like now. The gay boy, the straight one. Me. There is something new and old here. I was suppose to be right here, this was planned. This is the path leading to something else. Closer. Death. Life. My body, my organs. I am drawn to the death. I am drawn to the sound, I am drawn to the life in your chest.

Death. Death. Death. We will die together, maybe not in the same room, maybe not on the same day, but if you die, I will die too. If I die soon which it feels like I might. A part of you will come with me. I will haunt you to keep you company you will never be alone. I know your kind of loneliness it is like mine. I never want you to be lonely like me even though I know you have been and it hurts me. I am bleeding metaphorically. My blood is filling up inside my body. I thought something would happen by now. I will also love him forever. There are two people I will love romantically forever. They have stolen me forever. I am never going to be the same. I know exactly how it felt, this is the miracle, the magic it's all around you. You are never without it.

Life. The never ending circle. The never ending clock. The never ending life of mine. I go on and on. My organs never get old. I just look older. I feel older. My legs ache from being so antsy, and anxious. The nerves, the worry of being here forever. The coffin, the bed, the couch, the laying. The kissing, the touching, the horniness of it all. The hot, the space, the sheets, the walls, the clothes, the smell, the door, the lock, the sounds, the hair. The way I feel, the way you do. My circulation, my boobs. They are getting bigger. My blood is moving slower and faster.

you'll never take me alive

I don't know if I should be dead.

I feel like I should, I wish another person, a person who deserved life and would change the world was born instead of me.

I have done nothing, I feel I have not made anyone's life easier.Why am I here?

do I even have a purpose, a reason?

everyday is so fucking long. I feel like this will never end and I am only 21. I think that is a very sad thought for a person to have.

I am constantly just waiting for anything and everything. I am sad, I am so sad at the bottom of it all. At the end of the day I am so over it, I dont know why I cant figure anything out for myself. Why I am not moving forward, why I am so far behind, why i feel nothing, why i feel not here. why why why why why i cant shut my fucking brain off please just give me one fucking second oh god please

the world is feeling like a dream

Did you ever feel like nothing around you is really happening?

I feel like this all the time.

I have to constantly reassure myself in some way.

The aniexty

is constant.

I am choking slowly on nothing. It becomes harder and harder to breathe. I get scared? Am I already dead some how? I might be.

I am afraid to die. I told him that. He knew already. Your afraid, he said. Your really afraid to die. I said arent you? And he said sometimes.

Death is the most interesting thing in the world to me. The day I die might be my happiest. I will finally know what it all means, what this was all for. Or it might just be black. I might be disappointed like all of those t.v. show endings. I might not even be conscious to be disappointed.

But the feeling of death in my body will be the most interesting part. The feeling of your entire body shutting down. The physical manifestation of your thoughts finally coming to an end. The last breath, the last twitch, the last everything will be so much harder, easier, and beautiful. You might thinking of everyone you ever knew, they might all appear in a hallucination. Brighter, younger, more in love with them. You might feel every sensation you ever loved or hated. All of those beautiful days appear to you. Ones where the sun was high and you rode your bike down a hill and fell off of it. The scrap on your knee, the sting. You finally felt your existence running down your leg in a red thick trail, and you cried. You cried whenever you saw the blood. Now you don't cry when you see blood. Unless its alot. But you see it on t.v. all the time. You have become accustomed and this frightens you. Do you still feel your existence? Are pain and hugs as intense? Is your skin harder or more delicate than before? Can you feel anything at all?

Im not sure. I think of all my friends in times where they arent around me. Maybe they are 9 years old and havent met me yet. I picture what they are like. Some are more wilder and dangerous than I was. They run without watching their feet. They are closer to the sky than I will ever be. They scream louder, I can not do that. Comparisons are useless really. I will never measure up or down to ex's no matter what I do or don't do. I will never be more her or her cause I am just Lisa all the way. I feel like a perpetual slave to the Lisa theme and what I have been told I am. Which is why I might not love myself just yet. But I closer. I am the opposite of who I thought I would be. But maybe that is beautiful and fate has another idea for me. I have always looked down on myself and that is where I went wrong.

I remember the first time I did.

It was Kindergarden. I was already seen as odd and distant from the kids in class. I would work on puzzles the whole time, alone. We had to take a test where we would put the different parts of a bike together. I did not really want to do this test. I copied the girl next to me but she did it wrong. We were pulled aside at the end and I had to admit to cheating, the teacher for some reason was furious and put me in time out. I never really saw myself as a good person after that. I started to fight people in my class. I hit one of my friends and he told on me. Another scrathed me on my hand. I hated him. I had strange obsessive thoughts of my parents getting into accidents, or me performing surgery on a person that I did not like that rode my bus. Or the devil coming to get me and take me to hell. I went to a Catholic school so this one is not as crazy as it sounds. I was full of aniexty. I had to ask people if they were my friend every five seconds. I could not handle the way things worked. I could not stand my thinking and how conscious I was. I also did not know where it was all coming from and I still do not. But I remember I could not wait for the day I would die ever since the fourth grade.

Now I realize I just have to love myself and accept myself for all the things I have done.