soul

believing in miracles and magic is so hard to do anymore. You stop believing in santa claus then you stop believing in anything else. I think I am one of those souls that just was not suppose to be here. I am afraid to kill myself because I don't want to disappoint three people. But I am so disappointed in everything else. I am tortured. Mentally. By myself. I am only here to serve time. This is my prison. I picture me and you in striped outfits holding hands trying to escape constantly with smoking our weed and drinking. We escape only for a little while only to get put right back in to the room we hate so much. The guards catch us and laugh and laugh, then they tell us we are only going to stay here much longer this time. The time will be served no matter what. Look at the clock then look away and then look back. I look at you and you start to cry. We are getting old. We only hold onto each other because we feel something great when we are together.

We feel it. I feel it through you. I feel it and you feel it through me. We lay there and know how the minutes are slipping slowly yet quickly soon we will be together closer, much closer. Smoke some more, get more drunk. Take a pill, watch me laugh. Watch them laugh. I feel so much. I am scared. It feels like 8 years ago. It feels like now. The gay boy, the straight one. Me. There is something new and old here. I was suppose to be right here, this was planned. This is the path leading to something else. Closer. Death. Life. My body, my organs. I am drawn to the death. I am drawn to the sound, I am drawn to the life in your chest.

Death. Death. Death. We will die together, maybe not in the same room, maybe not on the same day, but if you die, I will die too. If I die soon which it feels like I might. A part of you will come with me. I will haunt you to keep you company you will never be alone. I know your kind of loneliness it is like mine. I never want you to be lonely like me even though I know you have been and it hurts me. I am bleeding metaphorically. My blood is filling up inside my body. I thought something would happen by now. I will also love him forever. There are two people I will love romantically forever. They have stolen me forever. I am never going to be the same. I know exactly how it felt, this is the miracle, the magic it's all around you. You are never without it.

Life. The never ending circle. The never ending clock. The never ending life of mine. I go on and on. My organs never get old. I just look older. I feel older. My legs ache from being so antsy, and anxious. The nerves, the worry of being here forever. The coffin, the bed, the couch, the laying. The kissing, the touching, the horniness of it all. The hot, the space, the sheets, the walls, the clothes, the smell, the door, the lock, the sounds, the hair. The way I feel, the way you do. My circulation, my boobs. They are getting bigger. My blood is moving slower and faster.