the world is feeling like a dream

Did you ever feel like nothing around you is really happening?

I feel like this all the time.

I have to constantly reassure myself in some way.

The aniexty

is constant.

I am choking slowly on nothing. It becomes harder and harder to breathe. I get scared? Am I already dead some how? I might be.

I am afraid to die. I told him that. He knew already. Your afraid, he said. Your really afraid to die. I said arent you? And he said sometimes.

Death is the most interesting thing in the world to me. The day I die might be my happiest. I will finally know what it all means, what this was all for. Or it might just be black. I might be disappointed like all of those t.v. show endings. I might not even be conscious to be disappointed.

But the feeling of death in my body will be the most interesting part. The feeling of your entire body shutting down. The physical manifestation of your thoughts finally coming to an end. The last breath, the last twitch, the last everything will be so much harder, easier, and beautiful. You might thinking of everyone you ever knew, they might all appear in a hallucination. Brighter, younger, more in love with them. You might feel every sensation you ever loved or hated. All of those beautiful days appear to you. Ones where the sun was high and you rode your bike down a hill and fell off of it. The scrap on your knee, the sting. You finally felt your existence running down your leg in a red thick trail, and you cried. You cried whenever you saw the blood. Now you don't cry when you see blood. Unless its alot. But you see it on t.v. all the time. You have become accustomed and this frightens you. Do you still feel your existence? Are pain and hugs as intense? Is your skin harder or more delicate than before? Can you feel anything at all?

Im not sure. I think of all my friends in times where they arent around me. Maybe they are 9 years old and havent met me yet. I picture what they are like. Some are more wilder and dangerous than I was. They run without watching their feet. They are closer to the sky than I will ever be. They scream louder, I can not do that. Comparisons are useless really. I will never measure up or down to ex's no matter what I do or don't do. I will never be more her or her cause I am just Lisa all the way. I feel like a perpetual slave to the Lisa theme and what I have been told I am. Which is why I might not love myself just yet. But I closer. I am the opposite of who I thought I would be. But maybe that is beautiful and fate has another idea for me. I have always looked down on myself and that is where I went wrong.

I remember the first time I did.

It was Kindergarden. I was already seen as odd and distant from the kids in class. I would work on puzzles the whole time, alone. We had to take a test where we would put the different parts of a bike together. I did not really want to do this test. I copied the girl next to me but she did it wrong. We were pulled aside at the end and I had to admit to cheating, the teacher for some reason was furious and put me in time out. I never really saw myself as a good person after that. I started to fight people in my class. I hit one of my friends and he told on me. Another scrathed me on my hand. I hated him. I had strange obsessive thoughts of my parents getting into accidents, or me performing surgery on a person that I did not like that rode my bus. Or the devil coming to get me and take me to hell. I went to a Catholic school so this one is not as crazy as it sounds. I was full of aniexty. I had to ask people if they were my friend every five seconds. I could not handle the way things worked. I could not stand my thinking and how conscious I was. I also did not know where it was all coming from and I still do not. But I remember I could not wait for the day I would die ever since the fourth grade.

Now I realize I just have to love myself and accept myself for all the things I have done.